SelfDeception
by RelapseAndEscape
Summary: MTF!Finn. "Because sometimes, she realises, that her body will always betray her." Follows from S01 to S03. Three-shot.


Title: Self-Deception

Rated: +13 – angst, severe type of angst  
Summary: MTF!Finn. "Because sometimes, she realises, that her body will always betray her." Follows from S01 to S03. Three-shot.  
Genre: Romance/Angst

* * *

The water hits his skin and breaks it into life.

Finn pretends to care about how cold it is, and he sings and gets drifted off by rhythm and beat and sound and place and he forgets that he's in the shower, and that the cold water's turned colder and that his skin feels paper-thin and numb. A few days later, he's in Glee and he's singing and he's still lost and finds himself underneath the shower drain with images of being kissed underneath cherry trees on a deer whilst wearing a pretty little black dress he's been staring at for two seconds more than he's supposed to when he's gone with his Mother and sometimes, he admits to himself that he _loves_ Audrey Hepburn and has fantasies of being in _Breakfast at Tiffany's _and having an engagement ring with his initials on them, just like Holly Golightly. Sometimes, Finn stays a little back just to feel something underneath the icy watery chill hitting his thick flesh. **Let me freeze, and then let it all burn into me just for kicks. **

Because sometimes, he realises, that the numbness is not enough.

* * *

The kiss is a mistake the minute it happens, because he likes boys, but that makes him straight sometimes because he's really a _she_ sometimes, so he goes back to Quinn, that kind of makes him feel vulnerable and scared, and he's sure that he's not supposed to feel like that if it's not for something telling him he's a girl. He doesn't really know and he's confused and he's scared and he really just wants to lie down and watch _War and Peace_ on repeat. Sometimes, he does just that, and wake up in the morning just as clouded and as foggy-minded **and aren't people supposed to dream rose-tinted glass?** Sometimes, he really believes he's supposed to be a pretty little girl.

Because sometimes, he realises, that he actually feels pretty.

* * *

Mr Schue puts him in Acafellas and Finn's never felt sicker in his life, because he doesn't want to be another boy, and he's in his suit and he sings and it doesn't make him feel happy anymore and Mr Schue will never know that he's crushed the one source of freedom that Finn can get to and that every song makes him feel like he's suddenly barricaded between thick disgusting polyester **it kind of hugs my skin just as well as I try to hug onto hellfire. I kind of never learn really…**. He's sick and feels nauseated and doesn't understand anything and when it's over, he just wants to jump for joy. Instead, he's just tired and falls asleep for seventeen hours. Sometimes, he looks away and tries to look at the sky.

Because sometimes, he realises he wants to find a star in the sky that he can wish on, but they're all proclaimed by Rachael Berry.

* * *

Quinn's pregnant. Finn should be angry, and scared, but he's really just _jealous_. He tries to focus on the disgusting, sweaty, gross football and finds himself jealous of Kurt too, because Kurt's so tiny and beautiful and he really just wants Kurt to climb on top of him and kiss him but he can't because sometimes, he knows that he's a girl and Kurt's gay and wants boys underneath him and he doesn't understand and doesn't think he ever will, but it all blurs and skews the lines and he just ends up wanting to scream at the world and stop thinking. Thinking. Nobody ever thinks he thinks but he really just wants to _stop thinking_. **Oh God, I can't—**Please. Sometimes, he just stares at her stomach and waits for it to expand as if a one-week foetus is going to appear into her stomach, fully grown, and he doesn't know what to do, so he listens to the drizzling rain and hopes it can save him.

Because sometimes, he realises that he wants to be saved.

* * *

That kiss on Rachael's a mistake, and he does it again and it hurts now even worse, and it's scheming but he really wants her to be there, because he's kind of jealous of her because she looks a lot like Audrey Hepburn, even if she acts the opposite. He doesn't want to listen to Audrey's quote again and again in his head, "_as you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others_." **I'm sure I'm two different people in one, kind of, sort of, and I don't know which one is really me, and I don't know what runs in my veins, but it's pretty red with that cloudy kind of confusion.** He's been selfish and disgusting and he can't look at himself in the mirror and sometimes, he realises he really doesn't look in the mirror at all.

Because sometimes, he realises that the world stops spinning when he stares at the mirror and the glass breaks in his mind and there's no adorable pretty little girl staring back at him – there never is, and because at those times, he realises how jealous he is of Rachael and how he wants to be 5'2 and weigh as little as her **I want to be as fragile as a flower, and die just as quick**, and even lower, but he can't, so he doesn't say a word when he sees his reflection on the glass of water at dinner and pretends that he's hungry enough to eat more than four tablespoons, because sometimes, he realises that pretending's the only thing he can do right.

* * *

Mr Schue puts the girls and the boys for a mash-up and Finn feels nostalgic when he stares at the girls all clustered and he doesn't think he's ever feel disassociated like this before, as if they've branded him and named him and put him aside as a label, as a "_boy_" and it hurts so bad. Without the Vitamin D, he knows that he would've probably screamed at the performance, or cried, or both, and he really wants to just scream because he doesn't think he can't take it anymore. Everything's all in one line and he can't seem to stay on it, and he swerves off the road. When he goes home, he doesn't even pretend to have an appetite, as he curls up into a ball in his room and listens to the rain, because he can dance and sing in the rain and disappear in a misty gray fog and return back as a rainbow. Sometimes, he can really see the rainbow outside **it's really pretty all the time after it rains **and sometimes, he's swear it's hope.

Because sometimes, he realises he really just wants to hold onto _something_.

* * *

Everyone knows Quinn's pregnant now and to Finn, it means it's real right now and every time she throws up, he does too and when he slightly asks the Doctor about it, barely mentions it, Quinn huffs and tells him to stop talking about his problems because he's so fucking insignificant right now after she's pregnant and the Doctor tells him of Couvade Syndrome, which is when a male feels all symptoms of the pregnancy that the woman does, and Finn knows that it's because his body wants a baby and he wants to carry the baby **I could've held on just a little tighter **and he's still so jealous because despite everything, he doesn't have the baby in him, and it's all just conjured up by his mind. He doesn't throw up when Quinn's around because she just glares at him and he doesn't quite tell her about his indigestion or the fact he hasn't kept anything down for more than an hour most days, and he watches them all pile around Quinn, helping her and he can't help but feel a bit sick on the inside, and he doesn't want to tell anyone because he's ashamed and he's scared and he really just wants the baby in him. He really doesn't think he's capable of getting Quinn pregnant sometimes.

Because sometimes, he still swears he's the one that's carrying her, because he can feel her and he _knows_ it's a girl. Dammit. He knows she's going to be so beautiful.

* * *

He's not popular anymore and he's not a boy anymore and he's scared and he doesn't know if he should address himself as he or she and he's pretty sure that he's not that stupid that he can't look down at his own parts and tell himself he's a boy but he doesn't feel like it anymore, and he doesn't think he's ever felt like it, and instead of feeling liberated, he feels fucking _scared_ and he's tired of feeling scared all the time **like I've watched the Exorcist a thousand times and have been repeatedly threatened by Karofsky kind of scared…really, really scared**. Quinn's really angry that she's not popular anymore, and Finn doesn't say anything because he can't say anything because Quinn honestly scares him to the bone and he doesn't want to look at her anymore sometimes.

Because sometimes, he can see her judging him and sometimes, he'd rather die than see that rejection in her eyes, telling him he's not enough and he _never_ will be.

* * *

Finn gives Quinn all of his money that he's saved in years for the hormone treatment that he wants, and she doesn't even thank him and he doesn't think he can stand it, and she says something about it being his baby too so he's supposed to handle her and he's just scared because he doesn't think he can ever get into hormonal treatment right now. He doesn't like the way Quinn doesn't want to name the baby Drizzle, because Finn's sure that the only thing he really looks forward to is the drizzling rain and he really want them to increase his progesterone and oestrogen levels and he wants to feel like he _belongs_ in this world **whatever the world is anyway**, but he just gives it away and doesn't look back. Except sometimes, he does look back, and sometimes, he swears he just wants to cry.

Because sometimes, he really just wants that treatment and because sometimes, he doesn't know what to hold onto anymore.

* * *

He's split with Kurt and they have to sing ballads and when Finn thinks of ballads, he thinks of really pretty thin little girls dancing and Kurt tells him that a ballad is not a ballet dance, but Finn still clings onto the idea that it's something that a ballerina can dance to as he plays with one of Kurt's pretty little porcelain statues and he's kind of jealous that Kurt has such a pretty collection of fragile ballerinas but he's always jealous so that doesn't really matter at all. Carole knows about the pregnancy **Mother, I am wrong and I wish I can right myself **and it hurts, and it all hurts, and he just wants to roll under a ditch because now, he can't tell her that he wants to be a girl, because it'll be selfish and sometimes, sometimes Finn thinks he can be selfish.

Because sometimes, he realises he's tired of giving a piece of himself to everyone, because he's not even sure there's any bit of himself left to give anymore.

* * *

Rachael tries to be attractive to him but he's not really attracted to girls, and there's that thing about him liking people natural and Rachael tries to dress up really pretty, dolling herself up in the sluttiest way possible and Finn feels his stomach hurt because he wants to be dolled up, and he's not supposed to have these thoughts so he shoves them away from his mind and erases them **they haunt me like a broken mirror** but they're going to come back later on at night, when he remembers the porcelain ballerinas Kurt's owned, when he stares at his empty glass jar that used to be full of money, when he lies away every night CRYING HIS FUCKING SELF TO SLEEP BECAUSE HE CAN'T FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMORE, AND SOMETIMES, IT'S NOT ENOUGH.

Because sometimes, it all breaks apart at the seams and because sometimes, he lives to be faker than porcelain ballerinas promising dreams.

* * *

There's that mattress thing. Everyone's happy **even me, smile, act nature and dance in front of them and then stumble and break your leg like you broke your heart. You're just fine, sweetheart**. Hooray. Sometimes, he wants to tear his skin and burn it underneath a mattress, so yes, mattresses are _so_ cool. Because sometimes, he swears his mattress is soft, but then it's all a lie, just like he is.

* * *

_"I believe in manicures. I believe in overdressing. I believe in primping at leisure and wearing lipstick. I believe in pink. I believe happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and... I believe in miracles.__" _Audrey's voice is in Finn's mind and he's sure miracles don't exist either as he tries to remember that he's not the Father of Quinn's baby and it all is screwed in his head and when he realises that Puck's the Father then he just wants to scream, because she knows that he's wrong and he can't right himself but hecantscreambecausehe'sfuckingdonescreaming OR NOT OR FUCKING NOT OH GOD QUINN WHY WHY DON'T YOU WANT NEED—OH GOD—OH GOD, HE SWEARS ON HIS FATHER'S FUCKING GRAVE THAT…

**I believe in suicide**.

Sometimes, he still pretends it doesn't hurt for shits and giggles, when he comes to Sectionals because sometimes, he just wants to throw himself off a bridge and then cut his useless nonbabycarrying stomach.

* * *

Santana and Brittany are seducing him. He's supposed to care? He's supposed to eat the stupid fattening spaghetti in front of him? Is he supposed to starve? Is he not supposed to starve? Is he supposed to care at all? They want to destroy his relationship with Rachael. How cute. He's with Rachael now? Must be—it's rather dull to have small talks with himself, but he pretends it's okay as he stabs his meatballs. Sometimes, he thinks that they really find him attractive and then he laughs, because sometimes, he remembers that even he won't date himself half the time **broken boys are not my type.**

* * *

Virginity? Let's throw that out the window. That's how many fucks he gives about not being a virgin, that's how much he _values_ his body marred and broken and not right body and that's the worst night of his life, and then she wants a burger and he wants to throw up and he does and she's disgusted and he's the worst date in the world and Santana calls him a fat bastard for not even complimenting her once and he wants to tell her that he's gay but bites his tongue. It's raining outside and Finn can't feel himself like the rain anymore, because the drizzling rain betrays him **my body betrays me**. Sometimes, he still stares up at the sky.

Because sometimes, he's still searching for himself.

* * *

Mummy Dearest's dating Burt Hummel and Kurt's actually putting in all the effort in the world to get close to him but Finn doesn't even know who he is and Burt's bonding with him over sports and Finn's lost in himself, because he really just wants to be sitting up there with Kurt, but he needs to play the part, and stop dreaming lucidly **do I even dream anymore?** And Kurt and Mercedes are trying to lose weight and Finn laughs, because in the past few months, he's unintentionally lost fifteen pounds. And he loses more than all of the Cheerio's combined when they weigh in from what he hears Kurt say. Sometimes, Finn hears Mercedes' voice in his head, as she sings Beautiful.

Because sometimes, he wants to believe that he really is pretty but those days are gone and he feels so ugly that he wants to throw up whenever he sees himself in the stillsobroken mirror.

* * *

Everyone's looking for a badass reputation. Rachael's 'desirable' thing makes Finn laugh, because he's desirable and she doesn't need to rub it in his face. He sometimes still writes in his notebook in italics, with pink markers and dotting his i's with hearts, "_for beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone_" quoting Audrey by word, and he stares back and he's shaking **but I am so alone, Audrey. I am so alone**. Sometimes, he stares back at it and runs his fingers through the lines.

Because sometimes, he thinks those lines are suddenly going to materialise and he's not going to be so alone anymore **I tried, Audrey. I tried**.

* * *

Sean and Rachael hit it off well and before he leaves, Sean tells him, "you're really pretty, Finn" and Finn pretends not to cry as he looks back.

"Known ever since you started staring at my ass in the third quarter, and ever since you think nobody's looking at your fingers which you gloss, and paint with some sort of clear manicure. I've got a sis, you know, Finnster…and I really do mean it." Finn nods, but the words sound empty to him. "I can even call you Fadwa if you want. I think it suits you." **I think I don't even suit me.**

Sometimes, he still wonders, so he searches the name and sees one meaning_: self-sacrifice_.

Because sometimes, he swears he thinks it's all in his head, and this is the only memory that makes him feel like he's really tangible in the world.

* * *

Bryan Ryan. Dream on. Your dreams aren't gonna come true. **I already know that**. Sometimes, he still does dream. Because sometimes, he swears that he's still hoping **even if that's all a lie, as much of a lie as I am**.

* * *

Faggy. He calls it faggy. Fuck him. He's a hypocrite. He would've killed himself that night. He's had it all right, and he's brought the razor and it's glittering and it's glinting but he faints before he can kill himself. He wakes up next morning and he's cold and he's alone **but that's not new**, and he saves Kurt later on so that's okay **now save me. We're not even yet. Please**. Sometimes, he thinks Kurt's really gonna save him.

Because sometimes, Kurt's his new rain, his rainbow, and his shoulder, and sometimes, he's the reason the sun doesn't shine anymore **or that's just because the fogginess of my mind is killing the sky and I can't see anything right anymore**.

* * *

All Rachael, Rachael, Rachael – he doesn't even want her anymore. Or maybe he does. She still looks like Audrey and he's still looking for something in her eyes that'll make him smile because really, he can't stop smiling because if he doesn't smile, he's gonna BREAK and if he BREAKS, then there are gonna be TEARS and if there are TEARS, then he's not okay and he's okay…honestly…just fucking peachy. Sometimes.

Because sometimes, he actually does say the truth **I'm miserable on the inside and I just want to breathe pretty**.

* * *

He's a liar. He doesn't love Rachael and never will, but she's his Audrey and he needs Audrey Hepburn to keep him alive, to make him hope, but he doesn't hope so he doesn't understand his own analogy and Quinn gives birth. He wants to laugh when he sees the baby. Sometimes, he's thinks it's funny that Quinn's baby has more life than he ever does these days.

Because sometimes, he really just loses every part of himself and he doesn't know what to do anymore **Kurt? Rachael? …Audrey? Are you here? …anybody?**


End file.
